The Dark at the End of the Tunnel

Well 2011 is here and I realize I have no business in it at all. I'm really hoping today is the day I can get out of here. Nothing worse than being around when you don't want to be. I just hope that I won't fight against myself this time. Like I said in the last post, I shouldn't have to hang myself or skitter my brains against the wall to achieve the result I want. Why can't I drift away peacefully and without pain? Why can't my body understand that. All this struggle for what? To live another day and go through the same pain over and over. I have been doing that the last 8 months. It's kind of old.

We'll see how today turns out. Also sorry again for not putting the story up. To be honest it's pretty lame anyways so I don't know if it would have made a difference if I posted it or not.

The Human Will to Live...

...is a pretty disgusting thing. No  matter how much your mind wants something, your body seems to want to fight against it. It amazes me that even after you pass out, your body is trying to fight for life. Doesn't it know things are not going to get better. Doesn't it know that you don't want to be on this earth anymore?

I feel less like a human as the days go by and more like a cockroach or some base insect. I just wanted to leave with a shred of dignity but I don't think I will even get that. Do we really have to put ourselves in a position liek hanging or some other form of an unescapeable situation to get our desired results?

I still haven't did the back story and that is mainly due to trying to find things that quiet all these thoughts down. Sleep hasn't been a sanctuary for months.Games don't really do the trick and the outside is just a no go. I will try to come here and pour everything out before the end but it's getting difficult to do anything at this point.

Feel Like This?

I don't know if anyone reading this has felt like this but have you ever felt like just when you are out of it you get dragged back down? Like you are stuck and you have no way to get out? You get frustrated with yourself and you have to stop talking to people because you end up sounding like a broken record. Pretty much how it is for me except I haven't felt like I have made any progress in months.

I'm just pretty disgusted with myself that I am still here.

So many thoughts

I planned on having something ere by now, I guess when you have 5000 thoughts in your head and you are trying to pull it out and make sense of it, it takes some time. I am playing an online game that has helped me get my mind off things for a little bit at a time. It's kind of like trying to wall up a flood, you can hold it off for a little while at a time but sooner or later its going to come rushing back in.

So yes I am still here unfortunately. I will try and get my thoughts and feelings out so anyone who finds this can at least observe my final thoughts. Maybe it will help someone, maybe it won't. I just want to try and get it out in time before everything caves in on me. I hope I can do it.

How it will work

What I guess I will do is give my backstory how I got to where I am and then express how it is going from day to day carrying all this. I have a lot of mixed feelings and I actually stayed up all night thinking about this and how I should do it. I want to just start putting down whatever I feel as kind of a day to day capturing of where my mental state is at any particular day. I guess I want to at least give whoever stumbles upon this some kind of set up to how I got to this place in my life where the end is the only option.

Like I said, it may not make any sense or it may be something someone can relate to and not have to feel embarrassed that they are the only one who feels something like this. We'll see.

I'll start putting things up in a few unless something happens and I wind up back in bed.

The beginning of the end

Just a first post to I guess mark my territory and kind of give the purpose of why I am on here. I am pretty much going to document things that have happened this year and some of the thoughts and feeling I have had and am having as I work my way to the end.

Some may see this as kind voyeuristic exercise of a person that has been mentally wrecked and is existing in their last days. Others may feel a connection to the thoughts and feelings and find some kind of help to whatever their problem is. Some may be indifferent or view it as a cry for help.

How it is perceived is something out of my control. I can only state the daily torments and struggles I am going through and I guess have a tangible mark of my existence when I leave this world.

Thanks in advance for those who join me and decide to follow me on this path. I don't really know what to expect but I can promise I won't hold back and always put the truth no matter how painful. I have been living this way for months so it's not going to make a difference at this point what comes out.

Again for those expecting vivid coherent thoughts or perfect spelling or grammar, don't expect perfection from me. Don't expect a flowing masterful narrative. I will just write what I feel and try to make some sense of it all after it has been typed on the screen.

I'll be updating this more probably today or later on so we'll see how it goes.